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What do The Bachelorette Emily Maynard and Snooki have in common?

January 21st, 2012 at 5:56 am by Max Mihn Leave a reply »

Did the success of Snooki on the MTV reality show Jersey Shore help inspire the producers of The Bachelorette cast Emily Maynard as their new #1 most eligible single? People magazine thinks her casting is official. While Snooki professes to be a Jersey Girl with loose Catholic morals, Emily [who recently broke off her engagement with The Bachelor Brad Womack after his second go-around with the show] purports to be an All-American girl. Conservative, Southern Baptist, and very well kept, she’s the polar opposite from Nicole Polizzi but queen in her own small corner of the world.

The Bachelorette 2012: What to expect if they cast Emily Maynard

Here’s just a few things people who love to watch The Bachelorette can look forward to in the upcoming season if rumor mill reports are true that Emily Maynard has already been cast as the next most eligible single focus of the show. What do they both have in common? That’s a pretty simple question to answer. Each one thinks their half of the United States revolves around them like they are the sun and their fans are their devoted servants from around the world. More over, both seem to be completely enamored with high hopes of becoming even more rich and famous than they already are by airing their idiosyncrasies and dirty laundry on a reality television show.

  • Ricki, Ricki, Ricki. EmilyMaynard is obsessed with herself, her home life, and her 6-year-old daughter Ricki. Named after her dead father, young Ricki is quite the spoiled girl. Her suddenly famous mom talks about being a celebrity parent as often as Snooki mentions liquor, flashes her cootchie coo at the club while out dancing, and denies she has a secret romance going on the side with Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino. Neither woman ever starts a conversation that’s more interesting or participates in one that’s more in-depth. It’s like they are emotionally stunted and have never read a book about anything insightful. The only thing they are able to discuss is themselves despite all that is happening in this big, beautiful world.
  • There’s no place like home. Snooki might love spending time at the Jersey Shore, but you can bet your last dollar that if she met a hot guy from another cool city, he was rich, and totally in love with her she’d move and make him marry her. Not Emily Maynard. Word is the only way the producers could land a contract with her was if they agreed to move their Hollywood production to her hometown of Charlotte, N.C. What’s more, Emily already refused to move to Texas to live with or marry her fiance Brad Womack — so any gentlemen suitors need to be prepared to kiss their careers and life goodbye. Oh, and PS — they will have to rent of buy a place in North Kakolacki if they expect to date her because nobody’s allowed to shack up with her and her little girl.
  • The past trumps the present. When Emily Maynard lost her fiance, she lost more than a hand to hold. Used to living the glamorous lifestyle of a trophy girl, her NASCAR driver boyfriend Ricky Hendrick and his wealthy family gave her a taste of the life of luxury while the two were still teens. He died at age 19, impressing forever on the little blonde the romantic ideals of a high school love affair mixed with having access to every material think in the world one could possible ever want. According to Maynard, she found out days after he was killed that she was pregnant with his baby. That grandchild has kept her linked financially to her dead boyfriend’s family — and to make sure they never forgot it, she named they child after him (even though she was a girl). That little trump card plays on an emotional heart string more often than Snooki does shots at Karma whenever she’s in town.
  • Then there is Brad Womack (yep — he is still hanging around). Even though Brad Womack totally blew it with Chantal O, the daughter of the Seattle Seahawks owner who was his perfect match and the best girl around, he is still sniffing around Maynard after his last V2 season of The Bachelor. While we suspect he is hoping the third time he might appear as the central feature of a show, our suspicions have yet to be confirmed. But, always making sure she has the men of the world fawning over her as the most likeable and sweet, helpless Barbie doll looking girl, Emily says she and bad Brad are still really close. Nothing like a hot right guy who is totally built and has a huge back tattoo of a giant cross to keep the interest of a good Southern girl. Maynard claims Womack “taught me that I have it in me to love again.” Uh-huh… in a bunch of new positions that never made it into the Karma Sutra either, we’re sure. It makes one wonder if they practiced the Jersey Shore pull the dirty comforter over themselves to avoid being filmed while fooling around or being caught in the act by the little girl.

So heading towards the Summer of 2012 with eager anticipation to find out if Emily Maynard is the new Bachelorette (for better or for worse), we all have to resist the urge to vomit in our mouths a little when saying that since Ricky’s death, Ricki’s celebrity mom has made a living working as a charity benefit party planner. Yes… rumor is she hosts lavish events for charity benefits where her dead baby-daddy’s family is in charge of contributing most.

What do The Bachelorette Emily Maynard and Snooki have in common? And, guys thinking of courting her be warned… her entire mansion is decorated in shades of pink and green. The furniture, the walls, the floors, the ceiling, the carpets, and everything. She makes Lilly Pulitzer look like clothing made for Snooki and JWoww to wear while hooking. And while the curtains do not match her royal blond rug (metaphorically speaking), they do in fact match everything else. God forbid you have a window that is not decorated with expensive and embellished fabric that does not completely harmonize with everything. It’s like looking at the playbook for building the Barbie Dream House — minus the hip factor and replacing the missing cool with Preppy Handbook meets old money bling the way it is set up.

To that end, our deepest condolences go out to whatever men do try to woo her. That girl is a self-absorbed and high-maintenance individual. While she probably thinks she means well by doing the charity work, she’s not exactly doing a lot of unpaid labor for humanitarian causes… and no single woman without financial and physical help could possibly have the time of the financial resources to pay for the home the show filmed her living in with her daughter.

No way, no how Emily Maynard is a self-made multimillionaire who is more talented at decorating than Martha Stewart.

For that reason, if she has not been cast already — for the love of all that is decent and real — consider casting someone who really is a nice girl. Shawntel Newton is a hard-working woman with a profitable (albeit strange) career as a mortician. She’s smart, funny, attractive, and most likely never meet a great guy without help because she lives in a small town and always works. Heck, she even got turned down by sustainable agriculture endorsing hipster Ben Flajnik — who appeared to think even he’s too rich and famous to date her!

Emily Maynard, on the other hand, has been given all the best opportunities to have a successful life. She’s totally able to pick and choose which men she wants to date and has them all lining up to do her bidding and be at her beck and call.

Granted, while people like Bentley Williams are the kind of guy most attracted to that type of girl, it will take a real man to man up and date sweet and sexy Shawntel.

To that end, do the world a favor and let her host her own show. After all, she’s really good at getting money from people to help she and her daughter live a more glamorous lifestyle. Let The Bachelorette show be the place where everyday nice guys are able to compete to win the heart of a genuinely loving and potentially long-term life mate sort of girl.

The high maintenance required for suitors to impress Emily is likely to bring the show record high ratings, but still. When the Jersey Shore cast Snooki it was for comic relief — not to be treated like she is the epicenter of the dating world. [And no, please don't case Nicole Polizzi to get your ratings back after that flop with Ashley Hebert either.]

But that’s just my “one guy’s take” on it all (and her) after being sucked into watching these shows with my girlfriend. At the very least I don’t think I totally wasted my down time because now I have something foolish to gossip about when I am wasting time around the office water cooler at work. And for the record I mean it when I say I truly hope my gut instincts and impression that Emily Maynard is truly vain, manipulative, shallow, and a bit evil are wrong.

What’s your take on Emily Maynard? Is she really the right person to cast on the show and truly a nice girl?

 

Read more about famous humanitarians and star celebs going green...

What do The Bachelorette Emily Maynard and Snooki have in common?

About

Max Mihn is a green superhero. Writing about the latest news in green gossip and offering product reviews of the coolest eco friendly products and green tech gadgets on the market now, he is the man to talk grass roots marketing for your non-profit organization or small business. He also shares his wise analysis of Hollywood gossip as it relates to contemporary social issues. Follow him on Twitter @green_muze.

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