What ever happened to Barbie and Ken? A funny but tragic Mattel dolls love story about the history of shallow women and their boy toys –
[Jan. 18 -- WARNING: Rated PG-13 content and graphic images of Barbie and Ken intended for viewing by parents, not children]
The perfect couple, the perfect pair; despite all the toys and the perfect hair there was no ring ever there. Barbie and Ken, the toy dolls made famous by Mattel, had a long romance — dating since 1961 — but old Ken never mustered up the courage to take Barbie to the altar for a white wedding (or even for a quickie elopement in the Barbie pink convertible or RV to a drive through wedding chapel in Las Vegas).
After waiting and dreaming and even buying a wedding gown, Barbie got disgruntled with Ken for his lack of interest in being anything other than eye candy on her arm. She dumped conservative and preppy Ken for a skeezy, shifty-eyed surfer named Blaine a few years back (in 2004 to be exact). While the two seemed to be a hot and heavy Hollywood couple romance for a brief time, something became increasingly clear… Blaine was not really interested in Babs; he was only dating her because she had cool stuff like her own Ferrari and Volkswagen bug.
By the time a sexually frustrated Barbie figured out that she’d been wronged and that Blaine would eventually turn out to be almost as big of a tool as that guy Jon Gosselin, the damage was already done. Even though she and Ken (whose real name was Ken Carson) tried to reconcile in 2006, his makeover and promise to change was not enough to work things out. He was still a commitment-phobe and she was seriously sick of his dirty ascots and Hawaiian shirts left thrown around on the floor and furniture of their little pink house.
She was past her prime and there were new, younger dolls hanging around shopping in Beverly Hills and moving into their own dream house models (which, for the record were mostly upscale renovated warehouse style apartments in chic districts downtown). [Bratz were taking over the red carpet and night club scene.]
That’s when Barbie realized her only hope was to become a career girl, one ready, willing, and able to drown herself in her work. So, she went back to school — earning every kind of degree and certificate imaginable on a search for her perfect career.
Once Barbie hit the real work force as a slightly older used model but still a certain kind of trophy girl, reality struck hard. Married women did not want single Barbie around because she was still hot, but she was too old to have children — making her all kinds of a fun doll to play with thanks to her long, flexible legs, tiny butt, and big plastic boobs without the men needing to worry she’s be getting knocked up and able to file for child support if they did not stick around. [Keep in mind, Barbie celebrated her 50th birthday back in 2009.]
All the men she had grown up admiring in the workplace were all married but trying their best to get a piece of tail from her now. The older and fatter and wealthier they were, the better they treated her while wives and less attractive women working at the office scoffed.
Once Barbie realized the cute boys out there who liked hair gel, nice clothes, and wearing Barbie and Ken cologne were (for the most part) either secretly cheating with every Midge and Skipper they met or simply “rest stop exit and men’s bathroom in public places just a waiting to go back to spend a weekend in jail without the women gay as hell”, the ugly realization about her plastic and shallow life began to dawn.
You see, Barbie — for all her vanity and love of money, fortune, fame, and high fashion — began to recognize that she had given up the peak years of her life to be with and wait for a man. That’s when she snapped, quit her job down at the local office, and bellied up to the local bar with a parking lot big enough for her to park that camper in so she would not have to drive home drunk and could instead pass out in the car.
After careful consideration (and more than a few lap dances given all around), Barbie took back her power. She had made up her mind about men, her life, and her next career moves as an unmarried, slightly over the hill adult toy film star. Sweet Barbie, un-betrothed and unemployed after refusing to *ahem* the boss after last season’s holiday Christmas party bash and office pub crawl, put her new found banality to good use. Barbie has officially decided use her celebrity endorsement to sell cleaning products now…
EDITORIAL NOTE: Sorry readers. We could not resist. Old boyfriends and ex-husbands… you can’t live with ‘em and you should never keep them in your Frigidaire (at least with any friends, family members, acquaintances with a camera, or the paparazzi are around.
Barbie, as a pet friendly green celebrity, has had over 40 pets including cats and dogs, horses, a panda, a lion cub, and a zebra. Word in Hollywood social circles is that her family is trying to get her to appear in a crisis intervention reality television series show called Animal Hoarders that appears on the Discovery Channel and Animal Planet now.
Barbie’s careers are designed to show that women can take on a variety of roles in life, and the doll has been sold with a wide range of titles including Miss Astronaut Barbie (1965), Doctor Barbie (1988) and Nascar Barbie (1998). She also holds a pilot‘s license, and operates commercial airliners in addition to serving as a flight attendant. Now, she has a tough time finding work because her resume, while showing a great deal of effort and talent in obtaining certifications, does not show the type of workplace loyalty and consistency of career training and development employers in the corporate workplace environment (despite the recession and high unemployment rate affecting America) seem to love.
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